Wabi - sabi

I hate bandwagons and I especially don't like jumping on them. I always avoid popular dystopian book series' until the last possible minute. I also am pretty stubborn and end up being cold and distrustful of others before I really give them a chance probably because throughout most of my life I have not been very accepting of myself. Over the last year I have been through emotional turmoil culminating in the realization that I did not love myself. I wanted to give up.
But here is my journey to loving myself:

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.
6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.
-Ether 6

The way I see it, we sometimes go through trials because it is the only way that God can get us to where we need to be: the promised land. In the middle of the worst of it, it often feels like it isn't worth it, like the winds and the waves will tear us to bits. I had the darkest times I had ever felt during the last year. I wanted answers that I wasn't getting.  I wanted to be different. I wanted to feel different. The problem with depression is that you only feel like doing things that will keep you feeling terrible. That's why they call it a spiral.

Satan wants you to believe that you won't feel better. He tries to get you to believe that you don't have to rely on God or the Atonement, or that you shouldn't. I believed it for a minute. I thought I was on my own and then I really felt alone. But Satan is wrong!

I wish I could say there was that moment when the sky brightened and the clouds parted and I suddenly was cured, but it was more like dawn breaking gradually and you don't realize that the dark night has given way to the light of morning until it has already happened. But know this, I could not have seen the light again without God and my Savior Jesus Christ.

I was numb for months. I burned a lot of bridges.  I was aching in every way and wanted it to end. I spent nearly two weeks in the hospital after I admitted myself - that was the first step. There were helpful aspects from being there and then I sunk even lower into depression after I got out of the hospital. On my more comical nights I would challenge myself to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's after a whole box of Mac and Cheese while my inner critic raged on about how much I hated myself. The littlest things would be my undoing. Like discovering cockroaches in my kitchen and being able to hear my upstairs neighbors' conversations.

I guess there were some big moments where I knew I needed to change but I won't go into those too much. It's more about the little things anyway. I read a book about depression in which the author said you have to do things that you don't feel like doing. You have to break the cycle of your broken "feel gooder"  and the only way is to do things that you don't want to do. I ignored that for a while. I didn't want to do it! In the hospital we learned a therapy style that had a similar principle called "opposite action"  which I told myself and others that it worked, but I didn't really commit. There were Ted talks, stacks of self help books that I had purchased, a few choice friends who listened to me patiently, attempts into new age style thinking, etc. I still felt like I was missing something though. I looked back through my journal and found an entry, or rather a list, that I had made of all the things that brought me peace and happiness. I told myself I had to do them, regardless of how I felt. I also had to be kind and gentle to myself when I messed up and started hating on myself. That was the second step.

On the top of the list was reading scriptures and praying. (there is also 'read hyperbole and a half blog, watch scrubs or watch Gordon Ramsay's ultimate cookery course, smell a grapefruit', etc. - lest you think I'm a weirdo) 
So long story short I did little things each day; I told myself I was worth it until (this took lots of practice, setbacks, crying, etc.) I was finally able to smile at myself in the mirror and start to believe again that I am a beautiful daughter of God. In addition to prayer, study, and relying again on the gospel, psychological principles helped me to understand the importance of accepting the good and the bad. To stop judging my negative emotions so harshly. This is also found in  scripture. Moses 5:11 for anyone who is curious, that is a good scripture. Also

2 nephi-

11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
12 Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God.

I slowly but surely have been able to peel off the layers of shame that were weighing me down. And I have also been able to gradually see others in a more favorable light as other parts of myself have become illuminated.
There are seasons for everything and it is my spring again; through the atonement of Christ I am made new again and this process is available to all who will just try.  Everyone has a struggle and a story, and countless trials in their lives, but I promise it is all for your good. If it is your night and winter, the day will come again, the spring will bloom again, and with it will come the light. I promise.

Love, Amanda