That's a disturbing title. But if you've seen the music video you'll know.
It reminded me of a time when I was in Korea. (like how war vets say, "when I was in Korea")
Just kidding. I just don't have a good segue. Those mall cops look silly anyway.
This is a story about poop, why I'm secretly an old war vet from another life, and my mission.
They say you're not a "true" missionary unless you poop your pants.
That's what I was told anyway. (Is this really a thing?)
I served my mission in Seoul South Korea. Before I got there I was in the MTC for 3 months. That's when it began.
I would later learn that "food baby" is one of those terms that just doesn't translate.
After this whole experience I should be able to say I have no shame anymore. Is that true? Probably not.
Anywho, Korea is amazing and I love it, but simply put, the food did not love me. Garlic and cabbage among other things just decided to put a kibosh on the whole "amanda's stomach functioning properly" endeavor.
Without too much detail (your mind can do the dirty work), I will give you some perspective. When I was in the hospital they asked me every morning when my last bowel movement was; if it wasn't the day before, measures were enacted by the nurse to remedy the situation (milk of magnesia I will never forget you... ). In Korea however, it was more than a mere day or two, it was months. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I didn't really notice at first because I was so busy all the time and there wasn't someone asking me every morning when my last BM was...
I finally realized there was a problem when people started giving up their seats for me on the bus and one of our investigators sincerely thought I was pregnant. (nope! Just constipated). In my weekly email home I told my problem to my mom and begged her to send me something with fiber. I also implored her not to forward that email to anybody, but alas, I shortly got an email from my sweet grandmother asking me if I had tried prunes. (yes a whole box!). So now I'm telling the world in my blog naturally...
About a week later I got a package from my mom containing fiber bars, fiber cereal, and something called an Acai Berry Cleanse. After trying it, I now refer to it as Acai Berry Revenge. (I almost became a "true" missionary that day, but the Revenge was enacted whilst still in the apartment so disaster was averted).
I was still eating because a) food delicous and b) ward members heard I was sick and the solution was to feed me as much as humanly possible. We also ate at a meat buffet. Somehow I ended up getting acupuncture during all of this and they put a container of flaming coals on my stomach and told me "fire too hot; ring bell". Fire was much hot and no help.
Finally my companion and I went to a pharmacy. How do you ask for laxatives in Korean? Well we didn't know so we called a Korean sister and she laughed and I heard her exclaim "sister Myrick can't poop?!" the pharmacist explained that it would be "gentle" and "overnight" but as said in the Princess Bride, "I don't think that word means what you think it means." Everyone talks about how awful the prep for a colonoscopy is, but having later experienced one of those, I can assure you this. was. worse. A colonoscopy is like watching a Nicolas Cage movie in comparison to what that Korean laxative did to me; slightly annoying and uncomfortable, but still somewhat funny. At one point I think I even asked God to just put me out of my misery. I am pretty sure I read 12 Ensigns (church magazines). My companion probably read the whole Book of Mormon because she is awesome like that. I didn't actually poop my pants but I'm calling it, and dubbing myself a true porcelain assassin... Ahem.... I mean missionary.
Amen.
I googled euphemisms for going poop. Here are just a few (your welcome):
Harry Plopper
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Inagurate Barack Obama to the White House
Inserting a SEAL Team
Kurt Bevacqua
Launching torpedoes
Laying dumplings
Laying a brick
Laying some wolf bait
Letting the toilet know who's boss
Letting the dogs out
"Liam Neeson!" a satisfying phrase to yell after a good bowel movement. - My favorite.
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